music blaring joy and delight,
painted horses up and down
forever going round and round.
faded seats hold fewer still
saddles with no riders,
still the music blares delight
but the carousel is silent.
cm
Saturday, August 25, 2007
The Carousel
Friday, August 24, 2007
trust
trust
trust, the elusive diamond.
icy beauty mocking me.
my desire is awakened and
I yearn for its comfort.
it's beauty eludes me.
when outstretched arms are close
its hardness cuts me
and I bleed.
and it slips away
never to be mine,
unwilling to allow its beauty
to touch me.
cm
trust, the elusive diamond.
icy beauty mocking me.
my desire is awakened and
I yearn for its comfort.
it's beauty eludes me.
when outstretched arms are close
its hardness cuts me
and I bleed.
and it slips away
never to be mine,
unwilling to allow its beauty
to touch me.
cm
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
The Big "50"
I want to post to my blog and have much running through my head. This has been a very stressful time as 2 of my daughters begin college this month. That means lots of $$!! Also, I turn the big "50" next month which, surprisingly, has caused me much angst. I just don't feel 50 although I'm not sure what 50 should feel like. I know I have a few aches and pains that don't go away. I have gray hair that sometimes peaks out from my "natural" reddish brown. I tripped over my dog and broke my leg-what's that about? Oh, and hot flashes?
But, in my head I don't feel different. I look into the mirror and sometime see my mother (scary). I look at my body and know it's definitely changing and not really for the better. I see more sagging and more dimples in place where dimples aren't cute. I've put off my Pap because I don't want to step on the scale and confess my weight!
But, I feel wiser. I've learned some valuable lessons from life. Like, I'm trying not to care if everyone doesn't like me. I'm more opinionated and less likely to hold it in and I'll argue with the guy at Staples who wants to charge me for printing a lousy picture. I feel like I've earned some rights in life. I've paid my dues. I appreciate my husband more and really enjoy the time with my kids because I see how fast it goes by. I've learned to stop and really take in the beauty of little things like sunsets, beautiful landscape (like in Montana where we just vacationed), and watching hummingbirds fight over a feeder.
For me, I guess turning 50 is another crossroad. I feel freer. I got my nose pierced and love it (although it hurt like a bugger!). I'm considering another tattoo. I think crossing over into this new phase in life is a bit like starting over and letting the world see ME. This is who I am-take it or leave it!
But, in my head I don't feel different. I look into the mirror and sometime see my mother (scary). I look at my body and know it's definitely changing and not really for the better. I see more sagging and more dimples in place where dimples aren't cute. I've put off my Pap because I don't want to step on the scale and confess my weight!
But, I feel wiser. I've learned some valuable lessons from life. Like, I'm trying not to care if everyone doesn't like me. I'm more opinionated and less likely to hold it in and I'll argue with the guy at Staples who wants to charge me for printing a lousy picture. I feel like I've earned some rights in life. I've paid my dues. I appreciate my husband more and really enjoy the time with my kids because I see how fast it goes by. I've learned to stop and really take in the beauty of little things like sunsets, beautiful landscape (like in Montana where we just vacationed), and watching hummingbirds fight over a feeder.
For me, I guess turning 50 is another crossroad. I feel freer. I got my nose pierced and love it (although it hurt like a bugger!). I'm considering another tattoo. I think crossing over into this new phase in life is a bit like starting over and letting the world see ME. This is who I am-take it or leave it!
Monday, June 11, 2007
Take a Deep Breath and Let It Go
I've decided my new mantra will be "take a deep breath and let it go". (I didn't make this up-saw it in a movie-but it's good). There's too much out there causing me stress and angst. Especially work crap. I let "the principle" of an issue get to me too much. So today, at the start of a brand new week, I started taking a deep breath and letting it go. And guess what-it actually seems to work!
From a spiritual perspective, I wonder what God thinks about stress. If we stress about things we can't control anyway, does it mean we don't have enough faith? When I stress about things not being fair or feel as though I'm not respected at work, is this how God wants me to view the world? Probably not.
I guess by not focusing on what's being done to me and being more concerned about the wellbeing of others, ultimately some of what bugs me at work will go away. (I'm not preaching, just working this out as I write!)
I'll let you know how the week goes.
More later (if your interested)
From a spiritual perspective, I wonder what God thinks about stress. If we stress about things we can't control anyway, does it mean we don't have enough faith? When I stress about things not being fair or feel as though I'm not respected at work, is this how God wants me to view the world? Probably not.
I guess by not focusing on what's being done to me and being more concerned about the wellbeing of others, ultimately some of what bugs me at work will go away. (I'm not preaching, just working this out as I write!)
I'll let you know how the week goes.
More later (if your interested)
Friday, January 26, 2007
Kenny the Goliath Grouper
My newest passion, other than my granddaughter, is scuba diving. Learning to dive is something I have always wanted to do.
It just took me 23 years to talk my husband into it. That and the small amount of the fear element. But, at my age (only 40's) I figured I've had a good life so I may as well learn to dive. If I die doing it, at least I did it!
I'm still here and have thoroughly enjoyed this new sport. It is the ultimate high (well low technically). My absolute favorite dive so far was in the Florida keys and diving just after a shark feed. The sharks (nurse sharks-not dangerous) were quite subdued and hanging out by the "chum bar"-so tame you could stand on them (not that I did). Swimming around in the area and enjoying the attention (and chum) was Kenny-a Goliath grouper. He swam by me and I reached my hand out and let it slide along his body as he gracefully swam by-very, very cool. Really cool.
The only down side was that my daughter-who was supposed to be snorkeling-was on the dive boat puking. So I sort of felt guilty having such a awesome experience. (I've included a couple of pictures of Kenny) Oh, and I don't eat grouper anymore!
Friday, January 12, 2007
Did I Do Enough?
Commuting to work on Friday with my husband, we listened to a story on NPR about a 21 year old young women who went on a spiritual journey. She traveled the world in search of spiritual enlightenment.
Our 21 year old daughter is dating a true Georgia "redneck". Yeah. Being from the north, this was our worst nightmare. So far, I have had to kick her butt to get her to decide what she wants to do with her life. She graduated in 2000.
Please understand, this is a wonderful child who we dearly love. She will eventually find her way in life. Yet I worry that we let her down in someway. Then I remember how kind, funny, hard working, and loving she is. And, although I say it quietly, I do like her boyfriend. She's happy.
My husband and I always said we wanted our kids to be happy in life, no matter what they choose to do. Then our oldest daughter, who is married and gave us this incredible grandkid, decided to be a hairdresser. Again, our snobbish upbringing made our shallow side emerge. I truly hate this about myself. She loves what she does, is happy, and has the potential to make a great living. Oh, and the best part - I get my hair cut and colored (shh) for FREE. Why do we assign value to some professions and not others? Where did this start?
Our youngest daughter, who is 19 and graduated last year, lives in her room. She only comes out for meals. (not really, she babysits for her niece 3 days a week, the rest of the time-she's in her room). I'm in the process of nagging her to death so she will complete applications for college. She needs to get out of that damn room.
Again, is it me? Is it my husband? (Probably it was my husband-I know I nagged a lot) I'm not sure if she's happy because we don't see her too often. She doesn't even have her drivers licence yet because we can't get her out of her room. She has a car though. She looks at it through her bedroom window.
But, on the rare occasion we see her, we see this incredibly cool kid. She's our "question authority" kid-in a good way. She is so talented and intelligent and has such potential. If we can get her out of that room, I know she will do something very cool with her life.
We are in the process of adopting a fourth daughter (no, we are not on drugs). We're hoping to get it "right" this time around. Not really. Life is not about what we do, what we wear (a designer purse is OK though-let me know if you want to buy one cheap), where we live, or any of the superficial crap. It's about who we are. It's about being happy. I don't think we did anything wrong. I think we did great.
Our 21 year old daughter is dating a true Georgia "redneck". Yeah. Being from the north, this was our worst nightmare. So far, I have had to kick her butt to get her to decide what she wants to do with her life. She graduated in 2000.
Please understand, this is a wonderful child who we dearly love. She will eventually find her way in life. Yet I worry that we let her down in someway. Then I remember how kind, funny, hard working, and loving she is. And, although I say it quietly, I do like her boyfriend. She's happy.
My husband and I always said we wanted our kids to be happy in life, no matter what they choose to do. Then our oldest daughter, who is married and gave us this incredible grandkid, decided to be a hairdresser. Again, our snobbish upbringing made our shallow side emerge. I truly hate this about myself. She loves what she does, is happy, and has the potential to make a great living. Oh, and the best part - I get my hair cut and colored (shh) for FREE. Why do we assign value to some professions and not others? Where did this start?
Our youngest daughter, who is 19 and graduated last year, lives in her room. She only comes out for meals. (not really, she babysits for her niece 3 days a week, the rest of the time-she's in her room). I'm in the process of nagging her to death so she will complete applications for college. She needs to get out of that damn room.
Again, is it me? Is it my husband? (Probably it was my husband-I know I nagged a lot) I'm not sure if she's happy because we don't see her too often. She doesn't even have her drivers licence yet because we can't get her out of her room. She has a car though. She looks at it through her bedroom window.
But, on the rare occasion we see her, we see this incredibly cool kid. She's our "question authority" kid-in a good way. She is so talented and intelligent and has such potential. If we can get her out of that room, I know she will do something very cool with her life.
We are in the process of adopting a fourth daughter (no, we are not on drugs). We're hoping to get it "right" this time around. Not really. Life is not about what we do, what we wear (a designer purse is OK though-let me know if you want to buy one cheap), where we live, or any of the superficial crap. It's about who we are. It's about being happy. I don't think we did anything wrong. I think we did great.
My Lifeover
Every new year I make resolutions I don't keep. This year will be different. Here goes.
- Actually post on my blog, often
- No TV at night, except Jon Stewart
- Meal plans, no more take out
- Clean my house more than monthly
- Make an appointment with the gyno
- Sell the $2000.00 worth of designer bags I thought I could sell (anyone want to buy a Fendi at a great price!)
- Remember birthdays
- Talk my husband into going to Jackson Hole this summer
- Stop swearing
- Exercise, damn it (oh) darn it
- Drink water
- Take calcium
- Stop bitching at work (not a swear-it's a verb)
- Think the best about people
- Choose to be happy every day (I'm going to challenge my boss with this one but I'll be thinking the best about him regardless)
- Say what I think
- Like myself
- Talk my husband into adopting 2 kids instead of one
- Pay off debt
- Go to the dentist
- Talk my husband into a pool
- Read more, and
- Stop trying to talk my husband into things
I didn't list lose weight because that goes without saying. I have a lot to do this year.
More later
Friday, April 21, 2006
Today we are too busy and too distracted to be still and to listen. There’s too much going on. Too much that keeps us from the peace and joy that being still and listening can bring.
Being a “baby boomer” I had the opportunity to learn to entertain myself without television or computers. As a result, I have memories of swinging on my neighbors swings and belting our songs like “The cutest boy (the cutest boy) I ever saw (I ever saw) was sipping cider through a straw. . .” The freedom and peace I felt soaring in the air and singing at the top of my lungs with my friend was the true meaning of “awesome”
I remember when Sunday afternoons were spent “visiting” which consisted of sitting and talking. Yep, just sitting, maybe sipping on iced tea, and talking. Just talking. About anything. Very peaceful and very comforting. Very real.
Driving home from work this week with the car windows down I was able to inhale the sweet smell of freshly cut grass. A REAL smell, not bought at the store. A smell that brought memories of summer days when I was young. Will we remember what “real” smells are?
I have my first grandchild due in July. I wonder what life will be like for her. With so many distractions I worry that we will all forget to be still. We’ll forget how to listen to the soft ramblings of a creek, the songs of the birds, and maybe how to listen to each other.
Being a “baby boomer” I had the opportunity to learn to entertain myself without television or computers. As a result, I have memories of swinging on my neighbors swings and belting our songs like “The cutest boy (the cutest boy) I ever saw (I ever saw) was sipping cider through a straw. . .” The freedom and peace I felt soaring in the air and singing at the top of my lungs with my friend was the true meaning of “awesome”
I remember when Sunday afternoons were spent “visiting” which consisted of sitting and talking. Yep, just sitting, maybe sipping on iced tea, and talking. Just talking. About anything. Very peaceful and very comforting. Very real.
Driving home from work this week with the car windows down I was able to inhale the sweet smell of freshly cut grass. A REAL smell, not bought at the store. A smell that brought memories of summer days when I was young. Will we remember what “real” smells are?
I have my first grandchild due in July. I wonder what life will be like for her. With so many distractions I worry that we will all forget to be still. We’ll forget how to listen to the soft ramblings of a creek, the songs of the birds, and maybe how to listen to each other.
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